Holy smoke! 2012

A gate identifying the school arches across the street.
Student housing lines the streets beyond the campus. DAVE, a good looking skinny young man, slumbers in his shortsand a tee shirt on a ratty couch. A pair of very sexy pantiessits covering his face. A slender hand pulls the panties gently from Dave's face,waking him.
Dave's eyes focus as he sees SUZI, a beautiful nude girl,slip them up her slender thighs and over her pert bottom. She turns and smiles oblivious to her toplessness. JOE enters from the kitchen area. He wears an Aloha shirt,cargo shorts, aviator sun-glasses, and a clear greenaccountant's visor with "Vegas" emblazoned across it. Suzi turns and kisses Joe as he hands her her top and jeans. Hey lightweight, we had to carry youin last night.
Joe smokes a cigarette from a vintage cigarette holder, drinksa bloody mary and watches Suzi get dressed.
I was gonna' wait to tell you aboutthat. See, I made you a dare, notknowing how DRUNK you were, that youwould eat dog shit.
Dave scrambles to the kitchen sink and vigorously flusheshis mouth under the faucet.
Jesus Christ, how could you do thatto me! Dude, I didn't think you'd really doit.
Hey, watch the language, we have alady present.
Dave, he's just having fun with you. You never ate dog shit. You passedout before you could. You did pickit up and might have some on yourhands, so look out.
Dave looks at his feces covered hands. He grabs a pot lidfrom the sink and sees his feces covered face in thereflection.
Careful not to get that on anything.
I'm gonna' go and let you boys sortthis out.
Suzi kisses Joe on the cheek and opens the door.
Joe swats her ass as she walks out the door.
Dude, get in the shower. I'll get agarbage bag for your . . . shit.
Joe closes the door and retrieves a garbage bag, tongs, anda set of surgical gloves from a cupboard. Dave strips andstumbles into the bathroom. You really shouldn't get that drunk,Dave. Joe puts on the gloves and follows stripping Dave with thetongs, picking up and stuffing his soiled clothes into thebag he holds. Dave enters the bathroom naked. I know you're saving it for MissRight, but you lost out on all thedesperate losers . . . uh, hotties Isent your way last night.
Dude, you were in . . . till youtried to eat that dog-shit. Notsure how that's gonna' go over. Maybe we can spin it like Fear-Factor? Joe puts his finger in his ear, imitating a radio announcer.
Yale Student Dave, he ain't afraidof SHIT! Dave exits the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He dries his hair with another.
Dave sits on the couch and guzzles the beverage. Joe beginsto straighten his bed. He makes a discovery.
Joe waggles a long rubber dildo at Dave. Dave runs back into the bathroom, SLAMS and LOCKS the door. Joe shoves the dildo under his pillow.
O.K., you can come out now, it'sgone. Come on, we'll be late! The boys pass a tasteful woman-friendly porn shop carryingtheir back-packs and convenience store bags. Dave wears arock tee, jeans and converse all-stars. MISTRESS, in her forties but still very hot and long legged,dresses a mannequin with a Laura Croft costume in the store'swindow display as the two pass. That would be awesome, traveling theworld with a hot treasure hunter,collecting antiquities for prestigiousinstitutions.
Mistress fills Laura Croft's tool belt with dildos. Joeaverts his eyes and quickens his step.
The boys sit on a bus stop bench and begin their breakfastof "ho-hos" and coffee as they wait for the bus. Joe attemptsto attract one of the GIRLS who pass by.
Joe lovingly SLAPS the back of Dave's head.
I know, you want to be in love, butwhen are you going to grow up? Yougotta' get out there and get yourmojo on, you know, just lower yourstandards a bit. O.K. a lot! Jeez,you can't stay a virgin forever, noone will want you.
I know folks that have perfectlyhealthy monogamous relationships. Iknow if I just wait and keep my eyesopen, the right girl's gonna' comealong.
Girlfriends are like condoms, theyspend more time in your wallet thanon your dick. Here comes the bus.
The building sits stoutly, shrouded by sturdy oak trees andshrubbery. Behind the main building two medieval towerssquat.
A city bus ROARS away from the curb revealing Dave and Joe. Joe points to the street sign. It reads "HIGH STREET".
Joe sits on the bus stop bench. He retrieves and loadsSPARKY, a meerschaum style pipe with a sturdy curved brassstem. Dave obligingly joins him.
We need a proper attitude, and NOTthe one you're giving me. Joe passes Sparky to Dave. Dave accepts it and points acrossthe street.
Aren't they just a bunch of spoiledrich closet cases that wear funnycostumes and spank each other withpaddles? Dismiss them if you like but theyare a powerful organization.
Big fucking deal. So were the Nazis.
Dave exhales and passes Sparky back to Joe.
History tells us they were foundedby Masons and could be the moderndescendants of the Knights Templar.
Yeah, yeah, the gangsta's who guardedthe pilgrims on their way to theHoly Land during the crusades. Allthey got for their fine work wastorture at the hands of the King ofFrance. No good deed goes unpunished. Don't forget the loot that is rumoredto have been smuggled here to America.
Yeah, yeah, I saw National Treasure.
History tells us that many of thefounding fathers were Masons, likeGeorge Washington and BenjaminFranklin. Hey, did you know George Washingtongrew dope? No, not hemp, the GREEN BUD! There'sa passage in his diary where hecomplains that he waited too long toseparate the females from the males. No, he was growing the CHRONIC! Ithink Thomas Jefferson had to be astoner too, all that pursuit ofhappiness shit, dude HAD to be baked! Are you going to Bogart that bowl,young man? ILLINOIS sits on the bench next to Dave. He leans over andwaves to Joe. An elderly man easily in his eighties, Illinoissports a tattered brown fedora from which sprouts tufts ofwhite hair and a dusty brown bomber jacket. He gums as hespeaks. He offers his liver spotted hand. Joe accepts.
Dave and Illinois shake hands. Dave points to Joe.
And this is Joe, my bosom buddy fromkindergarten.
Joe offers Sparky to Illinois and he accepts. Unless you're in a vulnerable state.
In my defense I didn't know how drunkyou were. You boys mind if a retired antiquitiesprofessor gives you some advice? Joe and Dave look at each other askance for a moment, thendecide to humor the old man.
See here's the thing, there arecertain rules when it comes totreasure hunting.
Uh . . . we're not on a treasurehunt.
Maybe not yet, but I can spot onecoming.
Dave and Joe eye each other with humor.
First and foremost, no matter howmany centuries people have beensearching for this treasure, you'llbe able to find it in a day or two,if not in a few hours.
Don't question it, just trust me. If you get a clue, you'll be able tofigure it out in a minute or two, just keep working the problem aloud.
But if people have been trying tofigure it out for years, what makesyou think we'll do it within a minuteor two? It's just the rules, you've got totrust me. Next, the bad guy's alwaysforeign or rich. Or better yet,foreign AND rich. Next, no matter how old you are orwhat you look like, you always endup with the girl.
Sweet. But wait, no matter how oldyou are? That's right, age doesn't matter. Would you like me to demonstrate? Please. This I got to see. Show uswhat you got old man.
Illinois hands Sparky to Joe as he stands. He spies twoyoung college COEDS walking their direction down the sidewalk. Illinois stands up as straight as possible, hooks his caneon the back of the bench, and cocks his fedora rakishly. Illinois spins acrobatically, faces the girls, and does alittle SOFT SHOE while tipping his hat.
The two girls instinctively smile and giggle as they pass.
The girls smile at each other and then back at Illinois. They turn and lift up their shirts, flashing Illinois. Theypull their shirts back down quickly and scramble away gigglingto each other.
Illinois retrieves his cane and saunters away slowly. He turns smiling and waves over his shoulder.
Why Joe, have you developed a loveof learning? Joe TAPS out Sparky in his hand as they stand. Joe stows Sparky away as they stroll to class past the Tomb.
An open door on one side of the building reveals a dimly litset of stairs that spirals down into a hallway with vauntedceilings. A GREGORIAN CHANT seeps from the stairwell.
INT. SKULL AND BONES CATACOMB HALL -- DAY Dotting the catacomb walls, illuminated recessed niches holdtreasures and relics from ancient civilizations. INT. SKULL AND BONES CATACOMB ALCOVE -- DAY THAD, a sky blue eyed platinum blonde who looks like he juststepped out of an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue, wears amonk's robe and stands enraptured with his hands pressedtogether in supplication. Before him a near naked Jesus hangs on a life-size crucifix,a grimace of pain and exquisite joy radiates across theChrist's face. Thad advances haltingly, awkward and coltish. He standsnext to the statue and stares up at the Christ. The strains of CHANTING grow noticeably louder. He gently strokes the legs of the Christ. Suddenly, he beginsto dry hump the crucifix passionately.
INT. SKULL AND BONES CATACOMB HALL -- DAY A phalanx of YOUNG MEN dressed in monk's robes MARCHritualistically and CHANT in latin while they hold heavylarge books to their chests. Diminutive LITTLE DEVIL peels off from the group and turnsinto the alcove. INT. SKULL AND BONES CATACOMB ALCOVE -- DAY Little Devil enters the alcove then stops dead. He COUGHSgently. Thad stops dry humping and spins angrily.
The Boners have retrieved thedocuments and we're preparing toexamine them now. We also seem tohave a visitor. The head office inBavaria has sent someone.
Little Devil looks on longingly for a moment and then turnsaway dutifully and exits.
INT. SKULL AND BONES CATACOMB HALL -- DAY The young robed men continue to MARCH solemnly, in lock step,CHANTING. When the CHANT runs its course, the phalanx stopsdead. Unanimously they hold out their books ahead of them. They then simultaneously swing the books hard and WHACKthemselves in the face. A thunderous THUMP echoes throughoutthe halls and alcoves. Everyone falls back in line and resumes MARCHING and CHANTING.
A long table with large wooden chairs surrounding it dominatesthe room. In its center sits a gleaming golden water pipemade from a human skull. Small, illuminated niches line the walls; a placard identifieseach displayed item. The skull-less bones of Geronimo sit in the first.
Pancho Villa's skull and bones sit in the next.
Jimmy Hoffa's pickled head in a jar sits in the next.
BONERS assemble and sit. Some wear monk's robes and otherswear costumes: Elijah Yale, Don Quixote, the Pope. Holding an ornate gold box on the table before him, thearistocratic UNCLE TOBE stands with his head down solemnly. He clears his throat and the Boners all turn to him. Helifts his face to heaven as he lifts the golden box.
Let us now humble ourselves beforethe Great Architect and, as HieleSalasie said, partake in the bountyof his gifts. He sets the box back down on the table and opens itreverentially, revealing the glistening crystalline stickygreen-bud inside. He gestures to the herb.
Here before us is the true Lamb'sBread, cultivated in the gardens ofGeorge Washington, passed on to himby the builders of Solomon's Temple,whose ancient secrets gave them thepower to rule the heavens and earth. He packs the water-pipe bowl, hands a nozzle to the firstBoner, who lights the pipe with a punk as he draws from it.
The Boners smoke from the pipe and CHAT together about howmuch they admire the weed. Uncle Tobe sits down and confrontsLittle Devil. I don't care if his grandfather WASthe second shooter on the grassyknoll, he needs to be here. Callhim.
Little Devil pulls his cell phone out from his pocket anddials.
Yeah, Thad. We're ready to beginnow . . . Little Devil closes his cell phone and turns to Uncle Tobe.
INT. SKULL AND BONES CATACOMB ALCOVE -- DAY Thad closes his phone and sets it on the statue's base. Thad stands before Jesus masturbating and spanking himselfwith a traditional fraternity paddle.
Uncle Tobe runs a power-point demonstration showing photosof ancient Aramaic scrolls projected onto a portable screen.
It's a recently discovered Gnosticgospel, carbon dated to the time ofChrist, perhaps the oldest and mostaccurate document yet found. It'sAramaic, the language Jesus and hiscontemporaries spoke. Uncle Tobe scrolls through the pages of text.
I can't translate it accurately. Weneed an expert. I'll check enrollment. I'm surewe'll find a useful idiot.
As Thad enters, he cleans his phone with a handy-wipe. Uncle Tobe introduces FRENCHY: suave, dark and Euro-trashy. Frenchy interrupts with a thick incomprehensible accent.
I am a Rogue Boner from the headoffice of the Grand Orient of Belgium. I am here to facilitate theinvestigation. My name is . . . A what? You got rug burns givinghead in an office? You're gonna'felicitate what? Forgive my accent. I know it'sdifficult for you Americans tounderstand.
I cannot. I am here to provide . . How do you Americans say it? Muscle.
No thanks, seafood doesn't agreewith me. I would have thought youwould be more helpful.
Thad throws the gooey handy-wipe at Little Devil. It sticksto Little Devil's face.
The steps of the ivy covered lecture hall spread out beforeit as the sun glitters through tree fronds. FATIMA belly dances sensuously on the lawn to some wickedcool PERSIAN POP as she performs for the small gathered crowd. Her sensational white smile blazes across the beautifulcappuccino skin of her classic Persian face. She wears along flowing skirt that shakes and shimmies with her gyratinghips and an elegant translucent peasant blouse thataccentuates her swaying pert bosom and exposes her taut belly.
Dave and Joe approach, then freeze in their tracks. Herdance mesmerizes.
Fatima's eyes meet Dave's. The MUSIC stops. They gaze ateach other for a moment.
She acknowledges the APPLAUSE breaking out, bows, and smilesto everyone in the crowd. Stunned, they watch her collect her books and turn to walkinto class. She pauses and smiles over her shoulder at Dave. Others join her and they CHAT while entering the LectureHall.
Sure she did. Keep telling yourselfthat.
The students assemble in a large amphitheater style lecturehall. The PROFESSOR, in a tight pencil skirt and heels,peers over her glasses as she prepares her lesson at thelectern. A large projection screen hangs behind her. Dave and Joe take their seats. Dave SNIFFS the air.
Fatima works her way to her seat smiling, ignoring theadoration of her classmates.
Fatima slides into her seat, nuzzling her neighbor NATASHA,a tall translucent Russian emo/goth/scene beauty with hugeblack hair highlighted with streaks of white and fuchsia. Her kohled eyes twinkle and her chains jingle as she sharesa secret with Fatima.
That's Natasha. She works down atthe Hanky Panky strip club. Crazything, I heard a customer tried toget rough with her and he left in anambulance.
Today we're going to look at ancientgoddess worship. Can someone getthe lights for me? The lights fade and a power point presentation projects thetext "Comparative Religion 301" on the screen behind theprofessor. Inanna is the Sumerian goddess ofsexual love, fertility, and warfare. An ancient depiction of Inanna appears on the screen (seeindex). The shocked class REACTS to her nudity and shavedpubic region.
Stories are told of her swaggeringaround the streets of her home town,dragging young men out of the tavernsto have sex with her. She's alwaysdepicted with a shaved vulva.
Depictions of Astarte and Aphrodite appear on the screen.
The Semite incarnation was Astarte,who was accepted by the Greeks underthe name of Aphrodite. The Romansknew her as Venus.
The Stelae of Qadesh projects onto the screen (see index).
The class REACTS to the huge erect penis on one of the twomale figures that flank the nude female figure of Qadesh. Although Israelite prophets andreformers repeatedly denounced sacredprostitution, the early Israelitesseem to have adopted the localCanaanite rites. Religiousprostitution flourished well intothe time of the Crusades.
The professor's voice CONTINUES as Joe falls asleep. Hands of DANCERS shake with the PALESTINIAN FOLK MUSIC asthe ancient city reveals itself. Camels saunter past stallsfilled with SHOPPERS that ring the stage where the dancersperform. A large Ziggurat style temple dominates the skylinesmeared with smoke.
These ancient goddess' temples wereattended by priestesses who pliedtheir trade freely. There was nodishonor in this and no stigma wasattached to the young women who workedas temple prostitutes. INT. ANCIENT CITY -- THIRTY A.D. -- NIGHT Inside a tent lit by candles dancers dance, some dressedsheerly, some not at all. A diverse set of MALE TOURISTS sit and eagerly devour thevisual feast. The married women of these citieswere required to offer themselves totourists, with consent from their husbands of course, and the proceedswere accepted as offerings to thelocal goddess. The money was spentresponsibly by the priestesses forthe welfare of the entire city. EXT. ANCIENT CITY GATES -- THIRTY A.D. -- NIGHT Tents and fires dot the gate's exterior. The sheer fabricof one tent reveals a NEW WIFE in the throws of ecstasy whilebeing manhandled by many STRANGERS. Some drink and some smokefrom a glistening water-pipe while they await their turn. It was also customary for the newbrides of this region to bed downoutside the city walls on theirwedding night, and offer themselvesto all comers. The husbands thenhappily began families with theirworking wives as the town prospered.
INT. ANCIENT CITY TEMPLE -- THIRTY A.D. -- NIGHT The dancers and their HUSBANDS lounge around on couches,cuddling each other and drinking. Some count coins and othersadmire jewelry. A giant glistening golden water pipe dominatesthe room, and many smoke from it. The cities prospered and jealousywas kept at bay.
Joe awakes in the dream. He sits before the gleaming water-pipe. A dancer undulates as she shows him two bricks of hashishwith temple stamps on them. The masonic symbol is pressedinto one and the symbol for the star of Venus on the other. Joe smiles happily as he ponders his choice.
Joe SNORES loudly. Dave elbows him. Joe jolts up.
Thanks for joining us Joe. Pleasehave chapter one finished by nextclass and we'll begin on the birthof Monotheism. Oh great. I need this class andyou're going to get us kicked out.
Dude. Sorry. I just had the mostrealistic dream.
Joe, you need to sleep on your time. Dave, there are some people herethat want to talk to you.
The Professor points to Thad and Frenchy who stand insidethe doorway. Dave and Joe walk over.
Good morning gentlemen. My name is. . .
So the professor told us you readAramaic? What's that all about? You some kinna' Muslim terrorists? No, I learned Aramaic from my Motherwho's Assyrian. We're Christians.
No, she's from Persia. Aramaic isstill spoken in some parts of Iran.
Born right here in the U.S.A. Grewup right down the street from me.
Natasha and Fatima eye the gathering. Fatima has her phoneto her ear.
We need them. And we need to convincethem to help us.
As beautiful as your titties are,that might draw suspicion. They'renot really your type.
Besides, we need to know what theBoners have uncovered.
Right. The one in the Aloha shirthas a nice package.
Thad and Frenchy continue to interview Dave and Joe.
We would like you to take a look atsome Gnostic gospels that haverecently been discovered. You wouldbe the first to translate them. Wecan pay you for your time. Are youinterested? Thad and Frenchy begin to escort the boys outside, but thegirls cut them off all smiles and tits. Natasha works Thad, Frenchy, and Joe with some free passesto the strip club and some friendly canoodling. Fatima snuggles up to Dave and puts a pass into his shirtpocket. She looks sternly at him, and PATS his pocket. Dave looks at the ground self-consciously.
We need to get going. Time is money.
Thad and Frenchy leave with Joe and Dave in tow. Joe turns.
The girls stare after them frustrated.
Shelves line the library's walls two stories deep on allsides. Dave and Joe sit at a wooden table in the center ofthe room across from Little Devil who projects photographsof the documents onto a portable screen. Thad and Frenchystand.
Dave studies a printout closely with a magnifying glass.
It's Aramaic alright. Fascinating. Where did you say you got these? The source prefers to remainanonymous. I can assure you of itsauthenticity. Well, there's some disagreementamongst historians about Jesus' motherMary. In Aramaic, Telulah would bethe best word for virgin, but thegospels use the word Almah whichmeans young girl, NOT virgin. Butin THIS text she's called a Quadesha,a holy one.
Well, except in this region and time,the term holy one referredspecifically to temple prostitutes.
Many historian's speculate that Marywas a . . .
But that can't be right. Jesus wasthe son of God! History tells us that the illegitimatechildren born of temple prostituteswere often called the children ofgod, it was quite common, sex beinga sacrament and all. And Jesus' father was a trick. That'sfucking hilarious. Mary was a Ho. Work it, girl. Go Mary, Go Mary, GoMary, it's your birthday! Well, maybe, but your document seemsto be VERY CLEAR on this point.
This document, if it's real, couldtopple modern monotheism.
Thad looks like he's having a melt down.
Is there anything there about anyartifacts? A few passages mention a bucket thatbelonged to Mary's son, the abadeemJesus, who may have worked in thetemple. Thad lunges at Joe. Frenchy restrains him.
Excuse us please, we need to discussthis in private.
Frenchy drags Thad into the hallway.
You're tellin' me! What the hellare we going to do? Those blasphemersare pissin' me off! But the Professor knows we askedthem here. Maybe we can use theseclowns. What are you thinking? That thesefools will help us find the Grail? Perhaps. Then we make them disappear.
Do you really believe the Grailexists, grants eternal life? All that matters is what everyoneelse believes. Those who possessthe Grail will rule the world.
Dave remembers the pass in his pocket. He retrieves it andreads.
YOU ARE IN DANGER! MEET US IN THEBATHROOM! Wow, this is so cool. You're gonna'be famous! Dave shows the note to Joe. Joe reads it then looks up atLittle Devil.
He's recently had surgery. Theytook out most of his intestines.
All my shit's collected neatly in abag, but I forgot to empty it beforewe left. It's kinda' full. Maybeyou can give me a hand? Little Devil points to the back of the library.
It's down there. Don't make a mess, Thad's pretty anal about that stuff.
I'd have to say Thad is pretty muchanal about everything.
Dave and Joe stand and move towards the door.
Dave and Joe run to the back of the library.
Dave and Joe enter. Joe laughs to himself silently butviolently.
A stall door opens and Fatima and Natasha appear. Natasha, carrying a large black shoulder bag, wears a blacklace top, a short black skirt, and black Chuck Taylors. Fatima, sporting a backpack and a ponytail, wears a blacktee, cargo shorts, and hiking boots. She's a Persian LauraCroft.
Dave holds up the pass with the note on it.
Fatima reaches over and puts one finger over Dave's mouth toquiet him. Natasha walks back to the door, closes it and locks it tight. You guys need to be quiet and doexactly as we say.
Joe shrugs and reaches down UNZIPPING his pants.
Natasha looks down at Joe's tool and gives him a dirty smile. She gently puts his tool away and ZIPS him back up with asmile.
Later, Tiger, right now you two arein danger.
You don't think this whole thing isa bit suspicious? How did theseNeanderthals come into possession ofsuch a rare document? You don'tsuspect that it may have a littleblood on it? Who knows what they'll do to you twowhen they're through with you. Yourknowledge of the scroll's existencemakes you guys a threat! You girls are crazy. But you knowwhat they say, crazy in the head . . They can do anything they want toyou, even make you disappear withouta trace.
Dave looks at Joe, not entirely convinced. He looks back atthe girls.
Thanks girls, but you've read toomany Dan Brown books.
Fatima points to the pocket of Dave's shirt.
Why don't you check your pocket therewise guy.
Dave reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a smallmetal sphere.
Natasha takes it and holds it up to the light.
They need your expertise to translatethe scroll and after that, you'rejust a liability.
Oh, bullshit. There's no such thing.
Well they think so, and that putsyou two in danger! Natasha pushes a tile on the wall and a secret passage OPENSup. Fatima DROPS the tracker in the toilet and FLUSHES it. They'll be looking for you soon, weneed to go! Why should we trust the Boners? Anyway, Dave, look at these two. They're fucking hot. I want anadventure, don't you? The girls gesture for them to come along.
You are ALWAYS getting me in trouble.
Fatima and Dave enter the passage, followed by Joe.
Natasha grabs Joe's ass as she follows him into the passage. She closes the passage door behind them.
One needed to empty his . . .
colostomy bag? Frenchy comes CRASHING through the door with Thad and LittleDevil directly behind him. They find the room empty.
Little Devil walks over to the window and looks out.
Maybe they jumped out the windowinto a garbage truck? No, it's not garbage night. Whatdoes the tracker say? Little Devil pulls out an iPad with GPS tracking software onit. Frenchy looks on appreciatively.
Steve Jobs is god. They're on thestreet headed to the building acrossfrom us.
Frenchy and Little Devil walk to the window and look out.
There must be a secret passage underthe street.
Thad looks down and sees a storm grate by the urinals. Thescrews have been removed. Thad rushes over to and lifts the grate.
Do you know how many people havepeed on that? It looks like they're under theGymnasium across the street.
Collect the Boners, search thegymnasium! I'll see where this leads.
Thad and Frenchy climb down through the grate.
Dave, Joe, Fatima, and Natasha scurry along the passageway.
So Girls, how do you know about thesepassages? I've worked the Alumni meetings here. Filthy old bastards, but they tipwell and generally behave themselves. They use these passages to ferry thegirls around to parties. Most ofthe younger guys don't even knowthey exist.
I would be suspicious myself. Butplay along and you two might getlucky.
We might just tie you up and haveour way with you.
Come on Dave, you have the opportunityto solve one of the oldest mysteriesin western history. I know thatappeals to you.
Dave, Joe, Fatima and Natasha enter the treasure room througha secret passage door. Statues, paintings, armor, and weapons fill the room,displayed ostentatiously. Fat bags of cannabis fill shelves in a corner. Joe and Dave's jaws drop as they take it all in.
The old men, they like to show off. They think I'm too dumb to rememberhow to get back here. She may have encouraged that notion.
Joe quickly recovers a bag from a shelf. He opens it up andsticks his head in breathing deeply. He looks up smilingbroadly.
He loads Sparky and hands it to Natasha.
Joe lights Sparky for her as she hits it.
Fatima and Dave catalogue the treasures that surround them.
Joe grabs Sparky and inhales deeply. The room sparkles ashe exhales.
We're looking for clues. The Bonersmust be close to the Grail or theywouldn't risk bringing in outsiders. I think you're just as nuts as them. You think the Grail really does exist.
Maybe everything in this world doesn'tfit neatly into the tiny box youcall reality.
Joe examines an African fertility god figurine with a mammothmember.
Porn stars were giving me a complex,but Jesus, look at this! Fatima and Dave stare at a painting mounted prominently onthe wall.
Natasha and Joe join Dave and Fatima's stare.
Looks like a dildo show. I like theflag, very patriotic, soldiers LOVEthat stuff. Who is this guy . . .
Jee-orj? George Washington. The father ofour country.
Don't talk about George Washingtonthat way! It's a codpiece anyway.
That's Jefferson on her right. Whyis he holding that blank canvas? Isit the Constitution? Who's the fat old man holding thefunny dildo? Good old Ben Franklin. He introducedoral sex to America.
Oh really? No wonder he's on thehundred dollar bill. Thad and Frenchy make their way down the wet murky sewerwith dripping pipes overhead. A lump lies on the ground andthey approach it.
The two lean over and find a SKELETON covered in tatteredclothes.
Thad reaches into the corpse's pocket.
Thad pulls the man's wallet out and flips it open.
Frenchy points down at the body to what appears to be a hugeerection.
The sound of girls GIGGLING echoes in the distance.
Thad flips the wallet back on to the corpse and the two followthe sound suspiciously.
INT. SEWER BENEATH THE GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM -- DAY Thad and Frenchy explore the room. Sewage pipes line thewalls stretching from the ceiling down and out into manydirections. Frenchy looks at the G.P.S. tracker.
They should be here. Maybe they'reabove us? Thad looks up and spies grating. He peeks through and hisjaw drops.
Frenchy stands on a pipe looking through a hole. He nearlyslips off trying to get a better view.
Three beautiful nude college COEDS shower. They lather eachother and GIGGLE lasciviously.
So I slowly dribbled it into hismouth.
INT. SEWER BENEATH THE GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM -- DAY I think it's the girl's volleyballteam.
The girls finish and exit grabbing ass.
Six OBESE HAIRY GIRLS enter the shower naked and begin tolather up.
INT. SEWER BENEATH THE GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM -- DAY Oh the horror! Oh my eyes. I'mblind! Why are you still looking? Dude, that's fucked up.
Dave, Joe, Fatima, and Natasha puzzle over a painting thathangs on the wall. It depicts dogs engaged in a ritual. Agroup of dogs watches a blindfolded dog ride a goat, led byanother dog who wears a wizard's hat. It's "RIDING THE GOAT"by C.M. Coolidge (see index). What is this, dogs and goats? NowTHIS is kinky.
What are they doing? Some sort ofMasonic ritual? The painting's called Riding theGoat. Masons would joke about itwith new members. History tells us that around 1910Cassius Coolidge or, C.M. Coolidge,painted other American classics alsoknown as.
Dave holds out his iPhone with "A FRIEND IN NEED" illuminatedon it's screen (see index).
So what's with the painting? Whatdoes it mean? It means that sometimes there ismore than meets the eye. Secretscan sit in plain sight. Why THIS painting? There must bemillions of copies. The frame looks suspiciously likethe one Jefferson is holding in theother painting.
Dave retrieves the painting gently from the wall. He turnsit over to examine the back.
Dave focuses on the top corner of the painting. A squareand compass, the Masonic symbol, is etched there lightly.
Joe lights Sparky as they study the back of the painting. Inadvertently Joe blows smoke across it. Hebrew text appears.
Joe blows another billow of smoke across the back of thepainting. The text reappears.
Some chemical in the weed must bringit out. Just repeat the code over and overout loud, just like the old man said.
Many of the Knights Templar, whentortured by Philip the Fourth ofFrance, admitted to worshiping thisidol. Dave shows them a picture of Baphomet, a figure with a goat'shead with a pentagram on its forehead. It bears wings, ahuman torso with large breasts and a goat's lower body (seeindex).
No one ever found the Templar'streasure, but this figure becamepermanently associated with them. It would have to be an old one. Theoldest is the Atbash Cipher.
It's a substitution cipher whereeach letter of the alphabet actuallyrepresents another. With the Atbashcipher, the first letter of thealphabet is substituted for last,the second for the second to last,et cetera. The letter "A" becomes"Z", the letter "B" becomes "Y" andso on.
So if applied to Hebrew square script,Bet is Shin, Pe is Vav, Vav is Pe,Mem is Yud, and Taf is Alef. Shin,Vav, Pe, Yud, and Alef.
It's a greek word. Sophia. It meanswisdom in greek.
Suddenly the door opens. Little Devil and Uncle Tobe enter. So, I told her to blow it back intomy mouth. They suddenly become aware of the interlopers.
Would you believe selling Girl Scoutcookies? Natasha pulls up her shirt, flashing the two. Little Devil and Uncle Tobe freeze momentarily. Fatima kicks Little Devil squarely in the balls as Joe grabsthe African fertility statue and smacks Uncle Tobe in thehead with its huge member. Fatima, Natasha, and Dave scramble back to the secret passage. Joe stops and grabs a few bags of dope lovingly.
He stuffs the bags into his shirt and scrambles into thepassage as Natasha closes the door behind him.
The Boners struggle to open the secret passage door.
INT. SEWER BENEATH THE GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM -- DAY A HOT GIRL sits on the toilet and flips through a magazine. She looks through the cracks of the stall doors to ensureher privacy. She lets out a FART. She uses her hands to waft the aromato her face, smiles inhaling in ecstasy, then masturbatesfuriously.
INT. SEWER BENEATH THE GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM -- DAY Frenchy steps back, slips, and breaks a pipe. Steam ESCAPESand water SPRAYS up.
The walls begin to SHAKE. Water and steam SPRAYS everywhere. The toilet RUMBLES as the masturbating girl stops and looksbetween her legs. INT. SEWER BENEATH THE GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM -- DAY Frenchy and Thad turn to run but feces BURSTS from a pipeand coats them both.
Covered in excrement, Frenchy glares at Thad.
Dave, Joe, Fatima, and Natasha scramble along a windingpassage.
We've got to get to the Church onthe Green.
Sophia was the goddess, the bride ofgod, the Queen of Heaven. The feminine deity, Aphrodite, Asarte,Ishtar, Isis, the Queen of Heaven. Did you sleep through the entireclass today? One of the crimes the Templars wereaccused of was the pagan practice ofgoddess worship.
You're a genius. The Templars'patron, Saint Bernard of Clairvauxhad an obsession with Mary and wasinstrumental in getting her namedthe Queen of Heaven by the CatholicChurch.
So what does the Church on the Greenhave to do with the Queen of Heaven? INT. THE CHURCH ON THE GREEN CATHEDRAL -- DAY They enter the Cathedral through a confessional. Light streams through the stained glass windows and paintsthe pews in ethereal colors. A huge crucifix hangs above the alter. An alcove to the leftof the alter surrounds an ancient sculpture of the Madonna.
Joe begins exploring. Fatima and Dave examine the Madonna. It looks like a traditional Madonna,but here, look at the engraved base.
Legend has it that it was broughthere before the Declaration wassigned, around the mid-seventeenhundreds. Carbon fourteen testsdate it to the period of the FourthCrusade, around the time of thesacking of Constantinople. The connection between the TemplarKnights, the Masons, and the FoundingFathers.
They lock admiring eyes for a pregnant moment. The crucifix at the center of the cathedral swings.
Dave and Fatima turn to the crucifix.
Hey Dave, I can see your houseperfectly from here! Hey Natasha, why do girls like me somuch? Joe rocks the arms of the crucifix back and forth.
I am the great and powerful Oz! Ignore the man behind the curtain! Fatima and Dave return to studying the Madonna. What do you think we're going tofind here? I just have a feeling. Maybesomething's hidden inside her.
Only if you promise to go slowly andgive me all the details.
Little Devil massages his groin and Uncle Tobe holds an ice-pack to the back of his head as they sit at the table. I can't believe we fell for that. It's not like we haven't seen tittiesbefore.
You have to admit, those were somemagnificent knockers.
Thad and Frenchy enter, wiping feces from their face. LittleDevil and Uncle Tobe GAG involuntarily.
Little Devil stands holding his nose. Uncle Tobe continuesto gag.
Why don't you two go hit the showers. I'll get you something to wear.
Thad's phone RINGS. He pulls the feces covered phone fromhis pocket and gingerly answers it.
Yes. I understand. We'll be thereas soon as we can.
INT. THE CHURCH ON THE GREEN CATHEDRAL -- DAY Dave and Fatima examine the Madonna, pushing and twistingthings, trying to get it to unlock its secrets. Dave fiddleswith the letters extruding from the base.
The "N" in "QUEEN" moves.
He spins the "N" 180 degrees.
They try to get other letters to move.
Fatima succeeds with the "N" at the end of "HEAVEN" Fatima and Dave look at each other. They turn the "O" in"OF" together. Suddenly a slot in Mary's pubis OPENS.
Dave and Fatima exchange an incredulous look.
But we're so close to solving thisthing! No, silly. Let me get on yourshoulders so I can reach! Dave crouches down and Fatima gets on his shoulders. Fatima curves her fingers together to slide her hand intothe tiny slot.
Get it out! I've got you! JOE! NATASHA! HELP! HELP! The door to the confessional SLAMS open as Natasha and Joepop out. Natasha wears only a priest's collar, a black thong,stockings and her Chuck Taylors. Joe follows her wearing aNun's habit, with a large bulge in his pants.
Dave turns quickly and unintentionally buries his face inFatima's yum-yum. He struggles to call out.
She LAUGHS as Dave sets her on the ground. She holdssomething wrapped in purple velvet velour. Who knew for such an old lady herclam'd be so tight! Dave realizes what Natasha and Joe are wearing and givesthem a puzzled look.
Natasha and Fatima fawn over the object.
The girls reveal the huge carved ivory Dildo in their hands.
Dave SCREAMS, runs behind a pew and cowers.
Dave emerges and joins the others with some trepidation. You remember the summer you went toCalifornia? Yes, that's the summer Farrah gaveme my first blow job.
It was a sunny day and my Mother andI were out on a drive.
YOUNG DAVE sits looking out the window of a moving car thatrolls down an empty western highway.
DAVE'S MOTHER drives as a semi-truck approaches from theother direction. The sun glistens on the "Doc Johnson" logo emblazoned on theside of the truck's trailer.
A LOT LIZARD's head bounces on the TRUCK DRIVER's lap asCOUNTRY MUSIC blares.
The driver reacts and loses control of the truck.
Its not my fault you drive like shit.
The truck JACK-KNIFES and begins to ROLL.
Dave's Mother slams the brakes and the car begins to SKID.
Young Dave's SCREAMS echo into the distance.
INT. THE CHURCH ON THE GREEN CATHEDRAL -- PRESENT -- DAY Jesus, your mother was killed by atruck? No. She's fine. The truck over-turned and buried us with its cargo.
Young Dave clings to his mother as the over-turned truck'scontents pour out. Tens of thousands of latex dildos burythe car. Truck Driver and Lot Lizard DIG through the giant pile ofdildos frantically.
I've seen a lot of cocks in my daybut this is something else! Wow, maybe I shouldn't have droppedthat tab of acid. These things looklike they're alive! The dildo pile begins to move on it's own.
Young Dave's head pops out of the pile. Young Dave looksaround in shock then SCREAMS.
INT. THE CHURCH ON THE GREEN CATHEDRAL -- PRESENT-- DAY Frenchy, Thad, Little Devil, and Uncle Tobe enter from theshadows.
Fatima retrieves the Holy Dildo and holds it up threateningly.
Thad gestures for the others to stop advancing. That's a very important historicalartifact. We have all the exitsblocked, there's no escape, so let'snegotiate.
The other three SCURRY to the confessional and climb in. Natasha brandishes a large knife.
Natasha backs into the confessional and SLAMS the door. The Boners LAUGH as they run to the door. It's LOCKED. EXT. CHURCH ON THE GREEN -- BACK ALLEY -- NIGHT Dave, Joe, Fatima, and Natasha come TUMBLING out of a garbageshoot that hugs the side of the church. They CRASH into a dumpster filled with shredded paper andcardboard boxes. Together they shove the dumpster away from the garbage shootthen run up the alley.
Little Devil comes sliding out of the garbage shoot and HITSthe pavement hard.
He MOANS as Uncle Tobe pops out of the shoot and PLASTERS on top him.
Dave, Joe, Fatima and Natasha flee LAUGHING.
They scramble into an alley and hide behind a dumpster.
You boys stay here. We'll go get acar.
We were just getting to know eachother.
The girls leave. Joe breaks out Sparky.
There still one more rule I need totell you guys about.
The last rule is there will be adangerous high-speed chase. I have my ways. Now listen, it'simportant. Your nemesis will appearto trap you and at the last possiblemoment you will turn the tables.
Illinois walks into the middle of the street and faces anoncoming speeding Mercedes. See, your nemesis has got you in hissights. You're desperate. There'sno way out.
Okay Illinois, you can get out ofstreet.
It's okay, I've done this hundredsof times. You've got to wait forthe last possible moment so no onecan tell what happened. Wait forit. Wait for it. The Mercedes' brakes engage and the tires SQUEAL.
Illinois bends his legs getting ready to leap out of the waywhen a pill bottle falls out of his pocket. Illinois goes flying up the hood of the speeding car with aloud THUMP.
Illinois looks down through the windshield he has landed on. He holds up the pill-bottle and SHAKES it.
Extra Strength Viagra. Very difficultto fill a prescription this time ofnight.
The MERCEDES DRIVER looks up incredulously. Joe and Dave run up to the idling Mercedes and peel Illinoisoff the windshield. The Mercedes speeds off as the Mercedes Driver SQUEALS histires. He gives them the finger.
Illinois brushes himself off nonchalantly. One other thing boys, don't getdistracted. That just might be the most importantthing.
We need to get you to a hospital! You just got hit by a car! Nonsense. I haven't had this muchfun since that crystal skull fiasco. You boys just remember the rules andyou'll do fine.
Joe and Dave watch the old man limp away on his cane.
On a deserted street Natasha leans against a street lampwith one leg up in the classic hooker stance. Fatima hidesin the shadows behind her.
No, we need to get those boys. Wecan't leave them to the Boners.
What do you care? We made the switch,I have the Holy Dildo, why do weneed them? I feel bad about fooling them. Weneed to go back.
I AM standing on a street cornerwaiting for a trick.
A black 1972 Charger slows. The CHARGER DRIVER peers outhis window lasciviously. Natasha walks up to the driver's window as he puts the carin park.
Natasha SLUGS him with a blistering right hook. Natasha pulls a roll of coins from her fist, puts it in herbag and shakes her hand grimacing in pain. She opens the door and drags the driver out onto the pavement. Fatima runs out from her hiding place and rolls the driverover. She pulls a cell phone from his jacket. She DIALS.
Nine one one? I've been baaaaad. Ican't stop molesting the livestock. Please stop me before I do it again. Thank you, good bye.
She wipes the phone and tosses it on the unconscious driver. Fatima climbs into the Charger and Natasha SQUEALS away.
The boys sit in the back seat of the Charger as Natasha drivesand Fatima, in the passenger seat, turns towards them.
So you're telling me that the womanwe're going to see runs the sex shopby our house? She taught Ancient Artifacts at Yale. She's THE authority on sexual ritualsand related paraphernalia. She wasforced out of the College due to herradical beliefs.
Running a sex shop requires radicalbeliefs? That and she slept with most of herstudents. She follows the way ofthe Holy Prostitute. She believesit's her sacred duty to help allthose who need it to find release. You could say she's making the worlda better place.
She's with a client right now, butshe told us to meet her at the shop.
Joe pulls out an enormous bag of weed from under his jacket.
Courtesy of your local Skull andBones chapter. Dave, Joe, and Natasha push the Charger to the front of thesex shop as Fatima steers.
Fatima hits the car's brakes and the others stumble forward.
Great job, stealing a car with nogas.
Fatima exits the car and joins the others who have wanderedover to examine the window display. Dave recoils and turnsaway when he spies the dildos tucked into the mannequin'stool belt. I get all my toys here, wonderfulselection. They have this one thatcurls around inside you with a littlebear on top that tickles your clitwith his tongue. I LOVE that one.
Ignore her, she talks like this allthe time.
Mistress, wrapped in black latex, stands in the doorway atopseven inch platform heels. Her shiny laced corset barelyrestrains her enormous breasts that are feverishly trying toescape it. A bullwhip hangs at her waist.
She gestures welcome with a latex opera gloved hand. I'm flattered, and that will get youeverywhere. Hello, kids, come onin.
Natasha searches her bag and retrieves a black sleep mask trimmed with pink lace.
Natasha hands it to Fatima who puts it on Dave.
Mistress flips a switch and lights flicker on revealing awell kept woman friendly sex shop. A magazine rack and along glass case bursting with sex toys sits against one wall,hot lingerie hangs on another, rows of videos line the third,and a register sits on a short counter with an invoice trayand a printer beside it.
Sorry about the outfit, just finishedwith a client. I'm a dominatrix. I beat corporateassholes half to death, make themlick my boots then write me a check. Pretty rewarding actually.
Not sure if I want to wear them orhave them wrapped around my neck.
So I understand it's been quite aday for you guys.
Oh I don't know. Just translatedsome text that might bring down twomajor religions, learned things Inever wanted to know about thefounding fathers, pulled an ancientdildo out of Mother Mary's hoo-ha,revealed my inner most trauma onlyto be mocked, and then rode to aporn shop in a stolen car where I'mstanding blindfolded talking to adominatrix. Just another averageday for Dave.
Sounds like fun. I'm jealous. So Iknow you didn't come here to shopfor sex toys. Natasha runs through their conversation laughing followed byJoe wielding a FLOPPING dildo on a BUZZING "saws-all".
Fatima opens her bag and offers the Holy Dildo. Mistresstakes it earnestly.
Like Dave said, we found it insideThe Queen of Heaven's hoo-ha.
Ah. The Madonna. Always knewsomething was up with that.
Joe runs through the conversation laughing with a horse bitin his mouth. Natasha follows holding the reins and CRACKINGa buggy whip on Joe's ass.
Fatima retrieves them from the wall.
Mistress empties the invoice tray and pours some paint intoit. Mistress carefully rolls the Holy Dildo in the paint.
Mistress rolls the Holy Dildo carefully on a piece of printerpaper. It prints a map with Hebrew square script. Mistresswipes the Holy Dildo clean, wraps it up gently in the purplevelvet velour and sets it on the counter.
Dave peeks from under his blindfold at the map.
Joe wanders over wearing leather pants, a boa, and a pimphat, followed by Natasha who wears a catholic schoolgirl'suniform, a stripper's cowboy hat, and six inch clear heels. Dave looks at him in disgust then pulls his blindfold backdown. You look great Mistress. Totallyfucking hot.
Oh, that's the Grove Street Cemetery. Right by school. Why? The Hebrew square script on thebottom. What does it say, Dave? Dave pulls his blindfold up, picks up the map and reads it.
To awaken the sleeping Queen of Heavenat the dawn of the Age of Aquarius.
INT. ANCIENT CITY TEMPLE -- FRIDAY, OCTOBER 13, 1307 -- NIGHT Armored TEMPLAR KNIGHTS kneel with TEMPLE PRIESTESSES beforea throne on which a sheerly dressed glowing APHRODITE sits.
On friday the thirteenth in 1307,the Knights Templar are betrayed byPhilip the Fourth. The templepriestesses and the knights realizethat they are doomed and cannotprotect Aphrodite's temple. Priestesses bring out a WOODEN BUCKET and place it beforethe goddess. The Knights Templar guard them vigilantly.
They plead with Aphrodite to takerefuge in another dimension, beforethe French King destroys her templeand his sorcerers enslave her withtheir black magic.
Aphrodite stands. She kisses her attendants.
They promise to awaken her from herslumber after the age of Aries, whichthey know will be fraught with warand will be a wicked materialisticage, with no respect for the mysteriesand ritual of Holy Sexual Union.
For a goddess a thousand years isthe blink of an eye, and she in noway felt threatened by mere men andtheir silly spells. But to pleaseher worshipers, and to give themtime to build her a new home, sheagreed and she slumbers to this day,waiting to be awakened to rule again.
Aphrodite disappears into the bucket.
It wouldn't be a very good secret ifyou had, now would it. I stumbledacross the story reading somehieroglyphics that I discovered duringa dig in Iraq. I barely escapedwith my life and, fearing for mysafety, never told the story to asoul. I dismissed it as folly untiltonight.
I thought so too, until you broughtme this.
Mistress points to the velvet velour wrapped Holy Dildo.
Natasha walks up with an incredibly long red glowing doubledildo. Dave SCREAMS and pulls his blindfold back on.
Natasha begins to swing the long fluorescent red double dildoover her head imitating a Star Wars light-saber. They begin to fence and re-enact a scene from Star Wars.
It is useless to resist. Join meLuke and we will rule the universetogether.
The door EXPLODES open. Wearing monk's robes, Thad andFrenchy burst in brandishing pistols. Natasha knocks the gun out of Frenchy's hand HITTING it hardwith the long fluorescent red double dildo. Mistress deftly removes her bull whip and disarms Thad witha flick and a loud CRACK. Dave pulls his blindfold off and SCREAMS at every dildo hesees, of which there are many.
Fatima grabs the Holy Dildo and stuffs it in her backpack.
Frenchy and Thad grab long green fluorescent double dildosto fight with. They fence with Fatima.
Joe pelts Thad and Frenchy with giant dildos, anal beads,butt plugs, and other exotic sex toys.
Dave rolls into a fetus and SOBS on the floor.
Dildos! Why does it always have tobe dildos! Natasha parries deftly, steps in and SMACKS Frenchy's headcleanly, knocking him out cold.
Mistress holds Thad at bay with her bullwhip.
I've got this one. Now get out beforethe rest of the Boners arrive.
Fatima and Joe help Dave up. He CRIES as he stumbles alongwith them to the exit.
Frenchy MOANS in pain, buried under a pile of sex toys.
A TECHNICIAN prepares to empty some Porta-Potties with ahose attached to a running tanker-truck.
Natasha, Dave, Joe, and Fatima climb into the truck's cab.
Fatima SLAMS the truck door, puts the truck in GEAR, andSPEEDS off yanking the hose from the technician's hands.
The Technician runs after the truck.
Fatima speeds along SCRAPING cars and KNOCKING over streetsigns. I'm sure I'll be saying that whenJoe and I are decorating our newdigs . . . IN PRISON.
Dave looks into the rear view mirror and sees two Escaladesfollowing them.
I guess this must be the chase scene.
Fatima swerves the truck back and forth to keep their pursuersbehind them.
I know just how to handle these guys.
Don't get your panties in a bunch,baby.
Natasha climbs onto the tank behind the cab. Natasha makes her way to the end of the tank. She straddles the spigot and grabs the hose. She points itat the pursuing Escalade. Thad rolls the passenger window of the Escalade down andpoints a gun at Natasha.
She opens the spigot and brown spray VOMITS onto Thad andinto the SUV through the open window. The Escalade turns off violently, tires SCREECHING. The other Escalade advances. Natasha points the hose atit's windshield and covers it entirely in excrement.
The second Escalade JACK-KNIFES and ROLLS spectacularly.
Natasha waves her cowboy hat and rides the hose like SlimPickens in the Dr. Strangelove finale.
The door opens. Gallons and gallons of sewage POUR out ontothe road. Thad steps out, covered in feces and stands in itshaking in frustration.
Dave, Joe, Fatima, and Natasha search the Grove StreetCemetery with flashlights.
One mausoleum, tall and rectangular, stands out. Two pillars,marked with a "J" and a "B", flank its tall door. They examine the entrance. Chains and a lock secure thedoors. With these two columns, Boaz andJachin, the mausoleum's a replica ofKing Solomon's Temple.
Natasha pulls out a pair of bolt cutters from her bag. You'd be surprised how many clientslose the keys to their handcuffs. Joe grabs the chain. Natasha flexes her biceps and POPS thelock with the bolt cutters. Joe PULLS the chain free fromthe door and TOSSES it aside.
The ancient mausoleum doors SQUEAL as they push them open.
Joe, Dave, Natasha, and Fatima enter the spooky Crypt. With flashlights Natasha and Joe examine the exquisitehieroglyphics and pictographs which illustrate the room. Most depict deviant sex acts.
Dave and Fatima LIGHT two torches that flank the only objectinside the crypt, a tall stone throne which sits against theback wall.
Dave turns and looks at Fatima longingly as they examine thethrone.
I've . . . just never met anyonelike you. You're smart, fearless.
It's just an act. I'm scared of alot of things.
Like this conversation. I need youto focus, Dave.
WE need to stop these barbariansfrom getting their hands on the Grail. They don't care who they step on toensure their grip on power. We can't let them win, Dave. Weneed to stop them. Now help me findthe Temple.
They examine the throne closely. On the armrests sit thesymbols of the left and right hands where one would placethem if they were sitting on it. A circle with five spokes and a hub have been carved intothe center of the seat.
What is this thing? We've followedthe clues here, so this MUST be thenext puzzle.
Joe and Natasha join Dave and Fatima at the throne.
No, but surprisingly there were afew positions I haven't tried yet.
So what's deal with the wheel on theseat? That's the symbol for the underworld.
Fatima feels the grooves of the symbol.
There's a hole right here in thecenter of the hub.
Dave covers his eyes and shivers as Fatima retrieves theHoly Dildo from her bag, unwraps it and sets it in the holeupright. It fits perfectly, with a good eight inchesprotruding up.
Fatima guides Dave as everyone steps back. Nothing happens.
Fatima turns the Holy Dildo. Nothing happens.
Natasha tries jerking it off. Still Nothing.
Natasha deftly removes her thong and hands it to Joe. Sheturns around, lifts her schoolgirl skirt and sits on theHoly Dildo.
She places her left hand on the left arm rest, on top of the symbol, then her right on the other.
Gears ENGAGE. Dust blows from beneath the throne which beginsto VIBRATE. It's an ancient Sybian.
What the . . . where's the . . .
thing? They all react as the throne vibrates more violently. Natasha MOANS and begins to writhe in ecstasy.
A seal behind the throne BLOWS as Natasha orgasms. The throne SLIDES aside violently, revealing a stairwellbeneath it that leads down.
Come on, baby. We've got to checkthis out.
She gets up slowly, takes a few deep breaths, turns andretrieves the Holy Dildo. She fondles it gazing lasciviouslyat Joe.
They all disappear down the stairwell.
Thad and Frenchy follow Mistress through the cemetery.
Mistress, you don't need to be here. We'll take care of these blasphemers.
They approach the entrance of the mausoleum and see the opendoors and the discarded lock and chain.
Mistress, Thad, and Frenchy enter and survey the room withflashlights. They cautiously approach the stone stairwell that leads downbeneath the mausoleum. Dave, Joe, Fatima, and Natasha push aside spider's webs asthey exit a dusty stone stairwell that empties into a longcatacomb hall. Dave and Fatima carry torches. The catacomb walls are lined with graves on which piles ofold bones are stacked. Rats and snakes crawl and slitherthrough skulls that stare out blindly. Bats fly past them and up the stairwell. They turn a corner and enter a huge ancient cavern. Dave and Fatima light the torches that line the wallsrevealing water-pipes and bongs of various sizes and styles. They glisten in the firelight as they sit on pedestalsdispersed throughout the cavern. In the center a wooden bucket, filled with stone dildos,sits on its own taller pedestal. A mop leans against it. Dave shields his eyes.
Scattered human bones and skulls surround the pedestal.
Remind me again why there are alwaysplenty of working torches in theseplaces? They all turn to Illinois who stands beside them.
Illinois, what the fuck are you doingdown here? After that last run in I could reallyuse a toke.
I can't believe you're even walking. You DID get hit by a car.
Professor Illinois Smith, retired,at your service, Miss.
What are you doing down here? How doyou know Dave and Joe? Strictly on a need to know basis,Missy. Jesus, what's that SMELL? The five look behind them down the hallway. Thad, Frenchy, and Mistress step out from the shadows. Thadholds a gun to Mistress as he pulls her along by the arm.
If you hurt a hair on her head, you'rea dead man.
You're fucked now. And not in agood way.
It doesn't matter, this has gone ontoo long. Bring me the Grail! As you can see by the bones scatteredaround it, that may NOT be so easy.
Shut up old man. Get it for me or Iblow her head off.
Thad FIRES a round into the floor near Mistress. Mistressglares at Thad.
Careful, Snowball, don't get carriedaway.
One must choose wisely and smokewith the gods. Then one must reunitethe Holy Dildos and free the Spiritof the Grail.
What the fuck are you talking aboutold man? The pipes are the key. No one mayapproach the Grail without firstsmoking wisely. So, one of these pipes is the key to the Grail? Who do you think gave them the Gnosticgospel to translate? Do you thinkthey just found you on their own? Who else would have better resourcesto help me find the Grail than themost powerful secret society on Earth? Are you that naive? Power, sweetie. Whoever possesses the Grail rulesthe world.
What about the way of the HolyProstitute? If you haven't noticed, my youth isfading. A girl needs a retirementplan.
Stop stalling and choose, brain-boy.
Shoot me, asshole, you'll never getthe Grail.
Dave begins examining the water pipes and bongs for clues.
Choose wisely, Dave, and no one getshurt.
Dave stands before a huge phallic shaped bong.
History tells us that the hero mustface his fear, master it.
Natasha, Fatima, and Joe see the bong's shape and realizeDave's dilemma. Don't be scared, Dave, I've suckedon thousands of those.
Something tells me this might be alittle different.
Dave shakes more violently. He looks at Fatima.
This is your destiny, Dave. Lookinside yourself. Find the strengthyou need.
Sweat starts to bead on Dave's face as he stares at the bong. He holds a lighter and closes his eyes meditating quietly.
It looks like he needs to take ashit.
Holy Dildo in one hand, Fatima puts her other hand on Dave'sshoulder.
Dave swiftly plants his face on the bong, lights the bowl,fills the chamber with smoke, yanks the stem, inhales andempties the bong. As he prepares to exhale, Fatima grabs his face, kisses himand inhales.
The others draw back expecting something terrible to happen.
Dave looks at Fatima in shock. Fatima exhales billows ofsmoke.
Fatima grabs Dave and kisses him again.
Together they place the Holy Dildo in the bucket with theothers. Dave and Fatima back away as the Grail begins to spin. SNAKECHARMER MUSIC fills the room. The Grail levitates slightly as the dildos come to life andbegin moving like snakes in the bucket. Smoke and flames pour out of the Grail.
The dildos begin to squirm out of the bucket. Some slowlylevitate, snaking through the air.
Beautiful dancing SPIRITS from ancient Palestine emerge fromthe smoke. They shimmy around the room.
Motherfucker chose wisely. I lovethis part.
A pair of beautiful spirit dancers perform an explicit eroticdance together for Illinois.
Everyone else takes another step back.
The writhing flying dildos and spinning spirit dancers swirlaround everyone and shimmy through the air.
More and more spirits form from the smoke. Some engage invery heavy petting, others begin to copulate.
From the fire and smoke pouring out of the Grail the goddessAphrodite emerges, her arms spread as she levitatesmagnificently. Her perfect nude translucent body glows,filled with fire, smoke, and lightning.
I am Aphrodite, Queen of Heaven,origin of all pleasure, giver of alllife, mistress of destruction andwar. Bow before me and service myunsatiable and frivolous demands.
The goddess spies Fatima cowering before her. As Fatima SCREAMS Aphrodite dives into her mouth.
Aphrodite/Fatima begins to sway and shimmy, shaking her hipsto the music.
Mistress moves toward the Grail discretely. Aphrodite/Fatima begins to feel Fatima's body, playing withher breasts.
Aphrodite/Fatima shimmies up to Joe.
So, Joseph, going to offer the ladya smoke? Joe, in shock, hands her Sparky. Aphrodite/Fatima strokesit erotically as she brings it to her mouth staring at Joe.
Joe nervously obliges. Aphrodite/Fatima draws deeply fromSparky.
Aphrodite/Fatima hands Sparky back to Joe and grabs Natasha. She kisses Natasha's mouth and exhales deep inside her. Natasha's knees buckle in pleasure. Aphrodite/Fatima holdsNatasha as she exhales billows of smoke.
Mistress inches closer to the Grail.
Aphrodite/Fatima tosses Natasha to Joe then gestures violentlytowards Mistress with her hands. An energy wave crosses the room and SLAMS Mistress againstthe wall.
We need the Grail. It's proof thatthe patriarchy has deceived the world.
The floating dildos approach Thad and Frenchy and SNIFF atthe guns they point at them. Like you have deceived everyone herefor your own selfish purposes.
The dildos SMACK the guns out of Thad and Frenchy's hands.
Thad and Frenchy hold each other and cower.
I was unfairly pushed out of myposition at the University! You have manipulated everyone hereusing the power of Holy Sexuality. You seek the Grail, not to bringpleasure and release to a worldstarving for carnal satisfaction,but for personal glory. So greedy. The flying dildos SLAP Thad about the face and BAT him aboutthe head. Frenchy attempts to protect Thad but the dildosprevail and BEAT them both down.
The world has lived through the Ageof Aries, an age of horribledeprivation, war, and greed. BORING! I have returned to free the worldfrom its submission to the violentfun-hating Prudes and Squares. Believe me, this world is ready forsome serious adult fun.
Aphrodite/Fatima turns to Dave and gives him a predatorylascivious smile.
It's been a thousand years and Iwant a virgin.
Aphrodite/Fatima teasingly pursues Dave.
I don't know what you're talkingabout.
I can smell it. Besides, this bodyaches for you, David.
Aphrodite/Fatima pulls her tee shirt off, revealing a pushup bra, and sways her body seductively.
She wants you David. And I must cumto release my spirit from this body.
Aphrodite/Fatima drops her cargo shorts and steps out ofthem. The longer I stay in this body, themore I deplete her strength. Resistme and she may die.
Aphrodite/Fatima removes the bra, freeing her beautifulbreasts.
Aphrodite/Fatima kisses him viciously. Dave resists at first,then submits. Aphrodite/Fatima pushes Dave to the ground and mounts him. They begin to copulate slowly. The couple levitates, spinningslowly in the air, surrounded by the translucent copulatingspirits from the Grail. That is SO hot. I'm so fucking hardright now.
Natasha and Joe dry hump feverishly.
Aphrodite/Fatima grinds on Dave with an ever increasingfrequency. The Temple begins to VIBRATE. The ceiling begins to CRUMBLEabove them, opening a fissure, revealing the night sky.
Aphrodite/Fatima begins to orgasm. The copulating couplefloats gently back to earth. Aphrodite visibly leaves Fatimawho GROANS in pleasure, then falls limp on top of Dave. Aphrodite SOARS up and out through the fissure that has openedin the ceiling. The spirits that have been fornicating and the flying dildosslowly get SUCKED back into the Grail. Illinois waves as the spirit girls depart. He wipes away atear.
A huge EXPLOSION illuminates the night sky. The ceilingCRUMBLES more violently, debris blocks the catacomb hall. Illinois points to an "Exit" light hidden near the back ofthe cavern.
Joe and Natasha help Illinois to the exit's doorway. Dave carries a limp and fatigued Fatima and her clothes tothe doorway. He begins dressing her.
Illinois leans on his cane and watches the Temple CRUMBLEaround them. Looking up he shakes his fist and rants.
Do you have any idea how much itcost to build this place, you crazybitch? Joe and Natasha run to assist the beaten Frenchy and Thad.
We don't have time for that, we needto GO! This is the most importantarcheological find in history.
Mistress reaches the Grail but is unable to free it from itspedestal. Dave holds the depleted Fatima in his arms. Natasha and Joe drag Thad and Frenchy to the exit doorway.
It doesn't matter. We all know whathappened here. Come on! Mistress struggles with the Grail as debris falls on her.
With this I can get my tenure back. I'll show those bastards.
Joe and Natasha run and grab her, pulling her away just as ahuge piece of debris SLAMS to the ground where she just stood.
Dave struggles with the locked exit door.
Illinois points through the falling debris PEPPERING thecavern floor.
Joe restrains Mistress in the exit doorway as Natashahandcuffs her.
Dave and Joe restrain Mistress as Natasha examines the lock.
Joe retrieves Sparky from his pocket.
Joe sadly hands Sparky to Natasha who slides it into theenormous key hole. Natasha fiercely twists Sparky in the keyhole.
Joe joins Natasha and throws his weight in with hers.
The lock opens with a loud CLANK. They swing the door openand all scurry out.
Joe stops and retrieves Sparky from the door lock. Heexamines, then kisses his pipe.
Joe pockets Sparky as he runs out the open door.
INT. GRAVEYARD CATACOMBS EXIT STAIRWELL -- NIGHT The door leads to a standard 1950's reinforced steelindustrial style stairwell.
They all climb furiously. Smoke and flying debris fill thestairwell as the cavern doorway collapses beneath them.
A rectangular cement grave cover swings open from the groundlike a door.
Everyone emerges from the hidden stairwell as dust risesaround them. They take stock of themselves as the dust settles.
With the flames and the smoke andthe TOTALLY hot floor show. Natasha CLOCKS Thad, knocking him out cold. She pulls theroll of coins out of her fist and shakes her hand.
Not at all. In fact, Merci beaucoup.
Take your boyfriends and get out ofhere, before I change my mind.
Mistress and Frenchy drag Thad away.
The others examine the huge smoking hole in the ground wherethe cavern once was.
Joe whips out the giant bag of cannabis from under his shirt.
Fatima pulls Dave close to her and looks up at himappreciatively.
You saved my life Dave. You werevery brave.
You ROCK, buddy! Nice publicdeflowering. Next we work onendurance.
So, now that we've awakened Aphroditefrom her slumber, what's the worldgoing to look like? Aphrodite plays PERSIAN POP from a DJ booth perched onscaffolding above the Green. Thousands of throbbing and undulating REVELERS in variousphases of undress dance on the Green joyously. From a giant Jumbo-tron a beautiful TV ANNOUNCER reads fromher teleprompter. A photo of PRESIDENT OBAMA is keyed onthe screen beside her.
After signing a peace agreement withboth Israeli and Palestinianleadership, President Obama todaysubmitted legislation aimed atlegalizing all drugs and prostitution. Video plays of President Obama at a press conference.
When asked for comments the presidentjust smiled and said . . .
The TV Announcer smiles saucily from the screen.
Which means, as anyone who's everbeen to Mardi Gras knows, "Let thegood times roll." Video of WORLD LEADERS signing a document plays on the screen.
Fatima shakes her ass as she dances with Dave.

Source: http://www.trifecta.tv/screenplays/HOLY%20SMOKE.pdf

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